Staying Sane During the Creative Process

So today the goal is to record my thoughts throughout the day and see where it takes me.  I want my paintings to become more personal.  But that is seriously scary!  I was chatting with a friend about how difficult it is to date men who are healthy enough to see me.  Here's my comment:

"I'm tired of living my life trying to crawl through this picture someone has painted of me based on what he is going through."

I want to somehow take that statement as well as other thoughts and incorporate it into my work.  That has been my lifelong struggle, how to be in a relationship without becoming crazed and lost.  And by writing down my thoughts....my day is getting away from me.  The ugly truth:

I actually dread going to this place creatively where my emotions are unprotected.  My work is so much better, but allowing the time and energy to go there is difficult.  I know that I can crank up music, start talking or thinking and be there, emotionally wrapped in my thoughts, analyzing and trying to solve, clarity at times.  It’s hard to go about normal life after moments like that.  I either want too much from people, ie to be there, keep talking, listening, sharing.  Or I just want to be alone and introverted.  It’s weird because my emotional side makes people nervous, you can see them drawing away from it at times, but they are also drawn to it.  People tell me I inspire them and I can almost feel them sapping my energy at times, wanting to talk and me to listen, wanting to be inspired and supported.  No easy answer.  I spent most of my life hiding from it, working in a stressful, serious job so I could be this controlled human.  But, going there emotionally, letting down the guard, makes me stronger and healthier, and also a lot more vulnerable.  Living my creative life is not easy or simple.  It takes more bravery than I had imagined.  Daily criticism followed by amazing highs.  Trying to stay focused on the business side, but needing to get away and allow myself the freedom and strength to create.  Trying to get the comments out of my head and just listen to myself.  That, I think, will be the most difficult part, continuing to listen to myself and believe that what I have to say is valid and relatable.

And...you can see how just making the decision to record my thoughts throughout the day...has sent my brain spinning.  This...is what is easier to avoid than to grab on to.  And life beckons..